Your Calm Helps Their Calm How Co-Regulation Supports Your Child’s Emotional Health

Support your child with Co-Regulation

Ever find yourself saying, “Just calm down!” to your child — only to watch things get even more chaotic? Here’s the truth: kids can’t calm down on their own until they’ve first calmed down with us. This process is called co-regulation — and it’s one of the most important gifts we can offer our children.

What Is Co-Regulation?

In clinical terms, co-regulation is the supportive process by which a regulated adult helps a child manage their emotional and nervous system states. It’s the foundation for emotional regulation — the skill of staying grounded, even during big feelings or hard moments. Put simply: your child borrows your calm. Your steady voice, relaxed body language, safe presence — all of that tells your child’s nervous system, “You’re okay. I’m here.”

Why Can’t They Just Self-Regulate?

Because their brains aren’t ready yet. Emotional regulation is a developing skill, not an on/off switch. The younger the child, the more they need co-regulation first before they can learn to regulate themselves.

Even some teens — especially when overwhelmed — need this kind of steady presence.

The Science Behind It

Our nervous systems are built to connect. Through something called neuroception (our body’s subconscious safety scanner) and mirror neurons (which help us attune to others), kids pick up on our cues, far more than our words alone. So if your child is dysregulated, and you’re trying to stay calm while feeling panicked inside… they feel that too.

What Helps Most?

• Breathe with them. Slow your own breath first. You don’t have to say much.

• Soften your tone and face. A warm voice and kind eyes go further than lectures.

• Be physically present. A gentle touch or sitting close (if they allow) provides grounding.

• Name the feeling. “You’re having a hard time right now, and I’m here with you.”

This doesn’t mean being perfectly calm all the time. It means repairing when things go sideways and practicing the pause — even just once — when your child needs your steadiness the most.

It’s Okay if This Feels Hard

You may not have had this modeled for you. You may be exhausted. Co-regulation doesn’t mean perfection — it means showing up, again and again, with compassion for yourself too.

If your child struggles with big emotions — or if you find yourself overwhelmed as a parent — therapy can help.

Contact: 602-899-2534 contact@laveencounseling.com